IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN THE AIRLINES
- UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come
to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the
plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what
kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
- Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump
on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again.
Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...
- Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents
look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions
about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't
need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done
for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
- Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards,
easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After
about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning
- Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes,
and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius
when it explodes.
- Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to
start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters,
and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to
cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download
and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you
are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the
seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is
very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without
a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to
tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but
all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
- VMS Air:
Your ticket weighs approximately 200 tons and comes in 400 volumes, but
actually permit you to fly, merely to enter the terminal. You must buy
layered ticket products
to gain the right to fly. On arrival at the terminal you are blindfolded
and taken to the plane.
The planes consist of a family of ever-larger clones of the DC-3, or are
early jets with fake
fuselages and propellors designed to make them look like big DC-3s. You
blindfolded throughout the flight during which the Captain makes verbose
announcements. When the plane blows up VMS Air have just about the best
people around, so at least you know how you died.
- BeOS Air:
Someone stole one of the planes from Mac Airlines, lowered the fuselage by
six inches, tinted the glass,
fitted white-wall tyres to the undercarriage, put groovy new afterburners
on it and gave it a psychedlic paint job,
but forgot that chucking the passenger seats out was a bad idea. In-flight
entertainment is marvellous though.
A fleet of Sopwith Camels flown by enthusiasts in goggles and scarves.
Despite the fact that the
planes can carry only one passenger at a time and crash a lot they look
- Air Berkeley:
Constantly torn by boardroom struggles and mergers, Air BSD is
fundamentally similar to Linux Air
and the fact that the internal factions within the airline spent all their
time shooting one another's
planes out of the sky means they can't use the formidable weaponry they've
replaced all the
passenger seats with against Linux Air
- RISCos Airlines:
Possesses a fleet of old ex-flying school Cessnas and Pipers which they
believe are theoretically
superior to the latest airliners. Maintenance is carried out by a mixture
of apprentices, enthusiasts
and schoolchildren and it doesn't matter if the planes crash because
- Air Novell:
Just like the worst parts of Air Dos and Windows Air, but all their flights
go via their own hub which is
inconveniently out of the way and some of their ticketing procedures rival
VMS Air in their complexity.
- Tru64 Air:
Changes its name every week to hide the fact that once upon a time it was
related to VMS Air. The
owners would really rather get out of the airline business and want you to
fly Windows NT Airways, but
many of them have discovered that Linux Air flies to all the same places
for a fraction of the price.
- VM Airways
The blue-suited checkin staff are very polite and suggest that you need to
pay an additional
"discount" on your fare. You are shown to your seat and notice that you
can't see any other passengers
or hear their screams as they are invited to pay further "discounts" for
such luxuries as cushions, seatbelts,
fuel, engines or cabin air pressure. The planes never crash, but individual
seats often fall out.